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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29307234">crying 'cause you aren't around</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamrenstark/pseuds/iamrenstark'>iamrenstark</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>broken chains [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aaron Hotchner Needs a Hug, Angst, Derek Morgan Needs a Hug, Emily Prentiss Needs a Hug, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Spencer, Hurt Spencer Reid, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Minor Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr., Parent David Rossi, Sad Derek, Sad Ending, Sad Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Spencer Reid Angst, Spencer Reid Whump, Whump, Worried Derek Morgan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:13:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,955</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29307234</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamrenstark/pseuds/iamrenstark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>JJ remembered how she'd had hope. That first day, she'd been so sure they'd find him. She'd been sure because it was Spencer, and they'd never stop looking, and surely the unsub would make a mistake. </p><p>She thought that the first day. She thought that the first week. She thought that the first month. She did not think that the first year. </p><p> </p><p>(Or, Spencer goes missing. They don't find him.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aaron Hotchner &amp; Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan &amp; Spencer Reid, Emily Prentiss &amp; Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau &amp; Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid &amp; David Rossi, The BAU Team &amp; Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, The BAU Team &amp; Spencer Reid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>broken chains [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2153271</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>186</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>crying 'cause you aren't around</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>im literally so sorry, i was in a really bad mindset and this happened and i was crying the whole time😭</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spencer Reid went missing on a Tuesday. </p><p>JJ could still remember that day vividly. She could remember how she'd been chatting with Emily and Morgan, how they'd been called into the conference room by a frowning Hotch, and how he'd told them, "Reid is missing."</p><p>She didn't quite believe him at first. How could someone process that? How could someone take in the fact that their best friend was missing? When she finally did understand, though, when she finally realized, it felt like someone had wrapped their hands around her lungs and squeezed. </p><p>Hotch told them how he'd gotten a call from the local LEOs about his disappearance. A neighbor had noticed his door ajar, blood on the carpet. </p><p>JJ remembered how her mind had raced on her way to the <strike>crime scene</strike> apartment, how she'd been filled with an achingly familiar fear, one she'd only ever felt once before, in Georgia. </p><p>(It was somehow worse, then. It took JJ a long time to figure out it was because in Georgia, at least they'd known who took him.)</p><p>JJ remembered how Morgan had nearly punched a hole in Spencer's wall, and how Emily had tried to calm him down and keep her tears at bay at the same time. </p><p>JJ remembered how she'd had hope. That first day, she'd been so sure they'd find him. She'd been sure because it was Spencer, and they'd never stop looking, and surely the unsub would make a mistake. </p><p>She thought that the first day. She thought that the first week. She thought that the first month. She did not think that the first year. </p>
<hr/><p>Two months after he disappeared, she broke down in front of the team for the first time. For weeks, they'd exhausted every resource, looked in every nook or cranny they could find. They'd ignored cases piling up, none of them able to do anything but focus on their missing team member.</p><p>And then the bureau had given them an ultimatum; move on from the case or lose their jobs. Without their jobs, they were no use to Spencer. They wouldn't be able to do a damn thing for him. </p><p>It was the hardest choice they'd ever had to made, and JJ honestly didn't know how she'd made it. Reluctantly, against every fiber of their beings, they started doing their jobs again. </p><p>They presented cases, flew out to wherever the killings or kidnappings were taking place, they profiled the unsub(s), they caught or killed them, and they went home. </p><p>They went home, every single time. Spencer didn't. It was on the jet back to D.C., exactly sixty-two days since Reid didn't show up to work, and JJ stared at the untouched chess board across from her, the unfilled seat, and she broke. </p><p>Tears that she'd become very familiar with welled in her eyes and flowed down her cheeks, a lump formed in her throat, panic clenched at her lungs, and she cried. </p><p>Emily was the first to notice, sitting up in alarm from her spot next to her, immediately frowning in worry and wrapping her arm around her back. </p><p>JJ just looked at her, her mouth falling open, and she sobbed. </p><p>She was vaguely aware of Hotch, Morgan and Rossi crowding around her as Emily hugged her tightly, trying to offer some comfort, but as she clutched her friend tightly she could only say one thing. </p><p>"It's not fair. Emily, oh God," JJ sobbed, "<em>It's not fair."</em><br/>
None of them had to ask what she was talking about.</p>
<hr/><p>Four months after he disappeared, Henry woke her up in the middle of the night, his face sad and his eyes not meeting hers. </p><p>She hadn't been sleeping anyway, hadn't been able to sleep for a long time, so she sat up quickly, frowning. "What's wrong, baby?" JJ murmured softly, feeling Will shifting in the bed beside her--no doubt--awake now. </p><p>"It's the science fair tomorrow, Mommy," Henry whispered, sniffing. </p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>"Uncle Spencer said he'd come."</p><p>Tears rushed to her eyes, her vision blurring so suddenly she had to rapidly blink to keep looking at her son. "He really really wanted to come, okay? He's trying his hardest to come back," she whispered, and her voice broke. </p><p>"Why don't you come see me, buddy," Will rasped from beside her, flicking on the lamp. The little boy quickly obeyed, climbing into his dad's lap, and JJ excused herself from the room with her hand clasped over her mouth. </p><p>She spent the rest of the night sobbing silently next to the toilet. It was worse when she heard her innocent boy ask his father, "Why hasn't Mommy found him yet?"</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>It's been half a year, Spence. A whole 182 days. You probably know the exact time, down to the second, don't you? Would you? <strike>Are you even ali</strike></em>
</p><p>
  <em>My therapist said I should write in a journal, but every time I put a pen to paper, I can't do anything except talk to you. It's stupid, because I don't even know if you'll ever read this. <strike>If</strike> When we get you back, you're not gonna want to reminisce about how much of a baby I was.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You're probably going through so much worse than me, so why does it feel like the worst pain in the world?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Henry misses you. I miss you. We all miss you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh God Spence come back oh God please</em>
</p><p>JJ dropped her pen, her vision too blurry to see what she was writing, a lot of the ink smeared with her tears. The blonde slammed the notebook shut and dropped it on her bedside table, then she dropped her face into her hands, and she wept. </p><p>"Come home, Spencer. Please."</p>
<hr/><p>"Diana Reid called me today," JJ told Derek, staring at the wall as she sat at her desk. </p><p>"What'd she say?"</p><p>"She wanted to know why Spencer stopped sending her letters. She keeps forgetting he hasn't sent any for a long time," she said softly. </p><p>"Do you think. . ." Emily trailed off. They all knew what she was going to say, but didn't dare respond. </p><p>"Seven months," Morgan said, his eyes unfocused. </p><p>JJ tilted her head farther back so the tears pricking her eyes wouldn't fall. "He's going to want to see her right away," she finally said in response. None of them voiced aloud their wonders if he'd ever get the chance. </p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>It's been almost eight months, Spence. It's hard to believe you've been gone so long. Sometimes right when I wake up, I forget you're gone. It's sucky, and it always makes me guilty, but that moment right before I remember you're not here is Heaven. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then reality sets in and it hurts all over again because you're still gone, you're still out there somewhere, probably hurting, and I'm not doing anything about it. I help catch other killers that don't seem to matter as much as you, and I know we'd have probably caught double the amount with you here.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Garcia mentioned your name the other day while we were talking about some geeky thing Emily used to like, and it was like somebody stuck a knife in all our hearts. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>How could <strike>we</strike> I talk about a movie when you're not here? Where are you, Spence? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Where are you?</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Eight months after he disappeared, JJ brought up her journaling to the others. Except for Emily, they all seemed averse to it, but she knew that they'd do it anyway. They'd do anything for Reid, all of them would. </p><p>Rossi was the first to put his thoughts on paper. </p><p>
  <em>Hey, kid. You've been gone a while. I didn't want to do this at first, I don't think any of us did, but you'll have to have something to read when we get you back, won't you?</em>
</p><p>
  <em><strike>I don't know if we will get you back anymore</strike>. I miss you, Spencer. Cooking without my sous chef isn't the same anymore.</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>After nine months, Hotch finally broke. </p><p>
  <em>We won't stop looking, Reid. I won't stop. - Aaron Hotchner.</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Ten months in, Emily showed up at JJ's house with puffy eyes and trembling shoulders, and it only took one look before the blonde was tugging her into a tight embrace, sharing her tears. </p><p>No words needed to be said, and after a few minutes, JJ got out a pillow and blanket and out them on the couch for her friend. </p><p>When JJ went to bed, crying herself to sleep into Will's chest, Emily stayed awake, and she picked up the notebook off the coffee table, finding JJ's notes. </p><p>Her unshed tears fell, and she shakily picked up the pen.</p><p>
  <em>You missed Halloween.</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>A few weeks after that, Morgan found himself passing Reid's desk, his still untouched desk, and he froze. None of them had moved a thing, not wanting to face Spencer's anger when he came back. </p><p>Every day, Derek walked past it, but that day, he couldn't. Instead, he sunk into his best friend's seat, and he grabbed the man's favorite purple scarf where it had lied discarded on the desk. </p><p>Wrapping it carefully around his palm, Morgan brought it to his face, breathed it in, and then let his tears fall because it didn't even smell like him. </p><p>Seemingly with a mind of its own, his hand found a pencil, and he flipped open one of Spencer's own notebooks. </p><p>
  <em>Do you remember that time you almost choked yourself to death with this damn scarf? It was cold as shit outside, about a foot of snow, and I'm pretty sure you were turning into an ice cube, but the second we stepped outside, you were smiling. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You started a damn snowball fight. Right outside the building, just hurling the shit at me. And then you got caught on that branch, and you slid on ice, and I nearly had a heart attack. But after I valiantly saved you from the "vicious tree" as you said, you went right back to throwing snow in my face. You were laughing, kid. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Am I ever gonna see you laugh again? Am I ever gonna see you again?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Are we ever going to find you?</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>One year to the day after Spencer Reid disappeared, something in JJ changed. The team was different, had been for a long time, but when she went to work that day, they were all different.</p><p>It was like they all collectively just <em>knew</em>, and it was then that she finally got it. It was then that she stopped  writing notes to him like he'd one day be there to read them. </p><p>It was then that the hope the unsub would mess up faded. It was then that she stopped believing Spencer would outsmart whoever had him, that he'd get away without their help because there was nothing they could even do anymore. </p><p>It was then that it finally set in that her best friend was gone. Her Spence was gone. Derek's Pretty boy. Garcia's Boy Wonder. Emily's Brainiac.</p><p>None of them would get to call him those silly nicknames again, and they'd never see his smile again, they'd never hear another ramble, another random fact from him, they'd would never see Spencer Reid again. It was then that she realized he'd likely been dead all along.</p><p>And as JJ looked at her co-workers, Hotch and Rossi closed in their offices like they always were, Morgan and Prentiss scowling down at their work, Garcia never quite smiling with her eyes again, she was the last to <em>know</em>. </p><p>(Later, Henry would come to her, he would say, "Uncle Spencer's not coming back, is he?" And JJ would cry so hard she couldn't breathe, because he wasn't. Spencer was never coming home.)</p>
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